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Have you ever felt the effects of the imbalance of giving and taking? Or felt that instead of glowing and radiating, you were feeling helpless and bitter? If you answered yes, it might be an indication of ‘soft’ boundaries. I get it, we all heard about personal boundaries SO many times, we know that we should install them, have them, embrace them. And we do at some extent. It’s just that we sometimes forget to reinforce them with the people closest to us: our family, and people who presumably have more power than we do, such as our employers. In order for us to stop the vicious cycle of feeling drained, overwhelmed, angry, and depleted, we need to reclaim the power within us.
We get to use this magical tool called boundaries. We possess it, we just lose our manual sometimes.
Let’s observe animals. They have no verbal communication at their disposal and yet somehow they are much more clear in their boundaries then many of us. How do they let each other know what is acceptable and what is not? Mama cat can be very rough with her kittens when they misbehave. She corrects them in a very brisky and tough manner to let them know what is acceptable and what is not. This provides a sense of safety. The kittens are not hurt, they feel safe because they know their mama is there to make sure they don’t get in trouble.
Let’s take horses. They are highly emotionally intelligent herd animals who get to figure out the pecking order in order to survive. They are very aware of their personal space and can let each other know when it’s ok to enter that space...
... and when it’s not a good idea... using their ears, posture, and certain movements of their hinds.
And no one if offended by this behavior. It’s part of their communication, that’s all. So how did it happen that humans lost that ability to be clear about personal boundaries and to be cool when someone set their boundaries? If you have an answer to this question, please let me know!
One of the main reasons we bend our boundaries in certain situations is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of losing money, fear of not belonging, and the list goes on and on. What happens is we lose our power over our own life when we bend our boundaries and principles. Yes, we need to be adaptable in a fast-paced society. And yet, we get to remember to choose ourselves. The magical thing that happens: we gain self-respect and respect from others; people who lack accountability or are toxic don’t come close to us (bonus points to your energy level right here), and new opportunities start showing up. Not bad!
What are the other benefits? You learn who truly loves you. You can build authentic connection and intimacy. Contrary to popular belief, personal boundaries are not barriers to intimacy; they are the foundation upon which genuine connection is built. By communicating our needs, desires, and limits openly and honestly, we invite others to do the same, fostering mutual understanding, trust, and respect. Healthy boundaries create space for authentic, fulfilling relationships where we feel seen, heard, and valued for who we truly are. As a teen, I had a hard time saying no and was bullied by two girls in middle school. I was so desperate to fit it, that I thought I had to endure such treatment. Needless to say, I was not a part of any friend group and went deeper into measary. Even though I learned to say no in some situations, I managed to bend my boundaries so much in my marriage that I lost myself completely. True love can’t act as a middle school bully. How can a person who loves you violate your boundaries? It’s an oxymoron.
Personal boundaries are not just crucial for maintaining healthy relationships; they are also essential for maximizing productivity and achieving our goals. By setting clear boundaries around our time and attention, we create space for focused, uninterrupted work and creative expression. Boundaries help us eliminate distractions, set realistic priorities, and allocate our resources more effectively, enabling us to pursue our passions with greater clarity and purpose.
What else? Establishing and enforcing personal boundaries is essential for safeguarding our emotional and mental well-being. By establishing a budget (mentally or on a physical piece of paper) for our time, energy, and resources, we prevent burnout, resentment, and overwhelm. Boundaries empower us to say no to activities, commitments, and relationships that drain us or compromise our values, allowing us to prioritize self-care and cultivate a greater sense of balance and harmony in our lives.
Establishing and enforcing personal boundaries is a transformative journey of self-discovery and personal growth. As we become more attuned to our needs, values, and desires, we gain a deeper understanding of who we are and what brings us fulfillment. Boundaries provide the framework for exploration, experimentation, and self-expression, empowering us to step into our authenticity and live life on our own terms. We put ourselves in the frame of safety, because we trust, respect, and protect ourselves from terrible decision, toxic relationships, and burnout. In a way we become that mama cat to our thoughts, emotions, and impulses. The paws are soft, but beware, the claws are in there. If needed, we can show them.
By embracing the power of boundaries, we unlock a world of empowerment, authenticity, and fulfillment. So dare to set boundaries that honor your worth, prioritize your well-being, and allow you to live life on your own terms. The journey to self-mastery begins with a single strong boundary — are you ready to unleash your power?
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