Finding True North: A Journey of Living by Values

Our Values = Our Internal Compass

Values are our inner compass and being clear about them keeps it working and pointing north so we don’t get lost. There are so many different directions we can be pulled into, so much information and expert advice to consider. At the end of the day we can decide what’s right for us and what’s not by aligning all the decisions, information, and pieces of advice with our values. The universe or God (or whatever higher power you believe in) presents us with a challenge — a challenge to align our lives with our deepest values, to walk the talk, to live with integrity and purpose.

Today, I have the privilege of sharing my client Sarah’s story, with her consent, illustrating how the universe held her accountable and provided opportunities for her to practice what she preached. Sarah, known for her empathy and resilience, navigated the turmoil of divorce while prioritizing her core values. Through introspection and healing, she committed to living authentically, setting the stage for transformative experiences ahead.

Imagine your values as sturdy pillars supporting the structure of your life. Sarah’s journey began with a stark realization: her current job environment was toxic. Struggling to balance work stress with family dynamics, sleepless nights, strained communication with her teenagers, and subtle control tactics from her ex-husband signaled a need for change. She became strong and resilient going through a divorce. She identified what her true core values were, she’d done a lot of healing work, broke down a lot of her patterns and set a goal to live her life to the fullest potential according to her inner compass. Shortly after her loud and clear commitment to this change, she started encountering situations where she was given an opportunity to put that into practice. She was very eager and excited about walking up this path.

First, Sarah realized that the environment at her current job was not healthy and good for her. She was having trouble sleeping because of the stress during the work day, she was having problems communicating with her teenage kids to the point she felt they didn’t care about being a part of the family, and were very distant. Also the way her ex husband was trying to control her life subtly was not acceptable.

Knowing that her top 4 values were Integrity, Loyalty, Family and Honesty, she was able to set clear boundaries with her ex-husband and only use text messages to communicate and only about the kids, nothing else. She documented everything and kept him accountable for his word by sharing screenshots of the texts he sent her. It brought a lot of anger from the ex hubby’s side and she had a hard time not to engage in it. Sarah only stated facts and nothing else, working through her emotions safely without involving him. She also mastered a skill of bringing the conversation back to its main topic and aligning her reaction & answers to her values.

Then she built up courage and went to her boss with concerns of management of the projects she worked on and gave some solutions. Her boss welcomed her reaching out, seemed very understanding and eager to make changes. After 2 months nothing changed and she started considering looking for a new job. She started applying to open positions and scheduling interviews. In the past she used to be very lenient about people rescheduling, missing appointments, and flakiness in general. She encountered several interviewers like that and went by her old ways, quickly catching that this brought her a lot of frustration and disturbance. Then Sarah landed a job that was right in her alley and she saw a potential of growth. She felt that something was off, but couldn’t put her finger on it.

The decision was made and she quit her existing job, started the new one right away and floodgates opened up. Her new boss was a woman about to be retired and who was looking for someone to take over her business. Sarah was a perfect candidate for this role and was up for the challenge. Plus the pay was really good. So she started investing a lot of her time and effort into this company. When Sarah was two months in and implemented a lot of effective changes, brought ideas to the table and made beneficial connections on behalf of the company, her boss started to act odd. In the beginning she was giving Sarah more and more responsibility while pulling herself out and then after two months she was getting more and more involved in the day-to-day again. There were minor red flags along the way that Sarah overlooked: late night emails and texts from her boss, expectation of being available 24/7; patronizing in front of the co-workers; rude interactions with her employees — everyone but Sarah (at first). Sarah thought it all was because of the nature of business and the transition period that her boss might not be handling very well. One morning Sarah received a text message from her boss asking her not to come to work giving some vague reasons. The next day when Sarah showed up in the office, her boss was furious and started yelling at Sarah in front of everyone that there’s got to be a very good reason Sarah didn’t show up at work yesterday. Shocked, Sarah tried to explain herself but her boss wouldn’t have it. After finally going into the privacy of the boss’s office, Sarah showed her boss a text message she received and her boss calmly said that it was a test of how committed Sarah was, how well she handled stressful situations, and also showing other employees what was acceptable and what’s not.

Since Sarah was having major house maintenance expenses, she decided to stay at the company thinking that when she’s the boss she would do things differently. She also thought that this was a good learning moment for her to sort out what aspects she liked and disliked about being in charge. But her boss was more and more involved in every day-to-day task while still reiterating her willingness to leave Sarah her business, dreams/ plans of her retirement days, meanwhile Sarah was feeling more and more pushed away. She noticed her systems and implementations were working well so there was no need for her to be managing certain aspects of business on an every day basis. The co-workers seemed much happier with the simplified process. Sarah gave herself two more weeks to see how things would go and decided to have a conversation with her boss if something else happened at work that went against Sarah’s values. After another episode of being patronized by her boss, Sarah had a conversation with her one on one where she shared her rising concerns, that this was not working with all the yelling, patronizing, and other boundary bulldozing activities.

What took her 3 years to realize at her previous job, took her less than 3 months this time around. Her new boss listened carefully and seemed very respectful of what Sarah shared. For a week everything went smoothly and then her boss informed her via email that the company couldn’t afford Sarah’s services any longer and she shouldn’t bother coming to work that day. Even though Sarah knew on some level that that would happen, she still was shocked and hurt by that. She felt used and betrayed. And then after writing everything down and talking it over with her therapist and me, she realized that she was repeating her pattern again. In the hindsight, she could see the red flags: incongruence of words and actions, outbursts, and hot-cold behavior. As a result of knowing her values, she didn’t waste years of her life, she stood up for herself after giving her boss a second chance and a benefit of the doubt. She felt valued and appreciated there by the co-workers, but her boss's behavior reminded Sarah of her ex husband's. On some deep level she sensed that, that was what felt off for Sarah in the beginning. Most importantly, she saw how she gave her power away by not reinforcing a pretty obvious boundary of her work ending at a certain hour, so no late texts or phone calls would be acceptable. She put her boss’s and the company needs before her own (and her family’s). She let the ‘carrot on a stick’ dictate her actions and as a result she bent her priorities “for the greater good”.

Sarah learned a lot about herself through this experience and was able to pivot quicker than before. Of course, she felt discouraged by this setback and beat herself up for falling in the same trap again. She felt enormous shame and guilt. She felt like there was something wrong with her that she attracted this type of people and couldn’t keep a job. And in those moments, the universe whispers in our ear, urging us to step up, to be the hero of our own story, to show the world what we’re made of. The greatest thing about being clear about the values is staying strong and keeping the priorities straight. Sarah didn’t lose herself in these emotions and that was a huge win!

She was unemployed. With house repairs to be made and two teengers to be fed. She was able to scale down her budget and cut all non-essential categories. She and I made a list of where she could be creative and offer trades for services, use her credit, ask for extensions on payments, DIY some of her home repairs, come up with low and no-cost family activities. She started having fun with all that and became better at asking for help. She started spending more time with the kids, showed them how to get through situations like that, and look for solutions, especially during challenging times. They became much closer as a family and the kids were more involved in doing their chores, coming up with ideas for saving money, selling things they didn’t use. The older kid found a job as a helper for a carpenter and started thinking about pursuing this trade. They started feeling as a family again and shared laughter, hugs, and created good memories.

She was out of a job for 6 months and now jokes that it was “the Universe’s Boot Camp” to truly start living according to her values. She landed a terrific job with a company that values integrity and truly supports people who have valuable skills to offer. She feels appreciated and cherished there for real this time and says that it was worth it going through the Boot Camp.

It’s the hardest thing to surrender into a situation we have no control over. It takes a lot of strength to accept the setbacks as a part of the process and not to be judging ourselves for “not getting it”. It’s easier at school, we at least know what subject we pass a test on and then a teacher lets us know if we passed or not. In real life we don’t know either. Or do we? Does it even matter? Because it’s in those moments of challenge and choice that our character gets a workout, that we flex our values muscles and show what we’re really made of. It’s like a crash course or a Boot Camp in being our best selves, taught by the universe itself.

If Sarah’s story teaches us anything, it’s this: let’s grab the opportunity of change and growth with both hands, to put our values into action like never before. Let’s show the universe — and ourselves — what we’re capable of. Because when we do, we’re not just living our values; we’re living our best lives.